The Pursuit of Rock Stardom as a Single Mother

Today we have an article written by an experienced indie musician, author, and festival organizer who wanted share a bit of her background as well as some perspective on what single mothers in the music industry are up against. Huge thanks to Rina R. for sharing her insight with us!

I want to explain to women in music what they’re up against when they have children. In 2005, my daughter was born and I was 28. I had spent $15,000 dollars recording and producing a rock album with my band, ADHD the band, which was based in Melbourne, Australia and Toronto, Canada. This was just after I had helped spearhead a 4 day women’s event, Ladyfest, in Melbourne, November 2003, which was a huge success. I had arrived in Melbourne in 2002 as part of an internship with my post-graduate education, met a group of women organizing a grassroots festival, and I decided to take it over and glam it up. With the help of the original 6 women, we somehow managed to pull off a great festival. It never happened again however, because while I had wanted to raise money for the event through donations and sponsorship as part of my previous fundraising education, we did not have the resources to do it so I invested my own money (nearly $10,000 Aus) and barely got it back. I was so afraid of losing all my money I abandoned the group and went off to do my own thing. I also was in a relationship and trying to have a baby. The festival had been hijacked a few times by a slighted lady whose affections I had rebuffed unknowingly. I was not gay but it was a gay festival and I felt weird explaining I had been straight the whole time. Young and immature, I know, but the baby bump revealed all soon enough. Simultaneously, my band recorded for all of 2003, and I worked on bringing the production together in 2004 while attending a new school and while pregnant. My musical partner was located in Melbourne, but my relationship had ended with baby daddy so I wanted to return home to Canada. After my daughter was born, I went looking for new band members in Toronto expecting to be able to continue the rock star lifestyle.

My friends and family would tell me all the time that I had a natural gift for music, since I was about 3 years old. It was a natural conclusion that I would pursue it, even though I did not learn properly how to read or write music. I started writing music at the age of 12 since I was bored with other people’s songs. By age 14, I was playing in bands and performing locally. Of course, I still had to study and go to school. But I never imagined anything other than being a rock star. It seemed to be my natural calling – at least that’s what everyone told me. And I believed them.

While pregnant, I thought that my partner would be able to babysit while I practiced and performed but he ended up being toxic, so that plan failed. I had to work full-time, manage a household (including an infant), and somehow be the spearhead to my band. Sound hard? Maybe it was but I do not really remember the hard parts. I found babysitters, band members, rehearsal spaces, and somehow managed to organize my time in such a way that we ended up performing locally a few times but mostly we were out on a fairly large tour. However the cost of the tour versus the return on its investment did not pay off.

The first large tour of ADHD the band cost about $5,000 of my dollars to take on tour, we did not make much cash at all, and our recognition was not that further ahead. ADHD the band had to end and I became The Pink Pearl Dragon.
I figured that if I was spearheading I may as well go independently and do it all myself from home. Except for the challenge of learning Protools and the initial investment, I was able to record my first album, The Lo Fi Dragon High Electro, and it was released around 2012. By this point my daughter was old enough to go to sleep over camp and I went on a tour to Europe and performed in London, UK, Berlin, and Germany in the same week. I had wanted to play more shows, but it was hard just to get those!

The Berlin show was full but I was terribly sick and could not perform at my optimum. Again, the tour did not really pay for itself and while I did meet people and have a great time, my musical career did not take off the way I had hoped, and my health deteriorated. I returned to Canada and returned to playing Mom. Online music sales were “OK” but not sustainable for a lifetime. My last show was playing for Carole Pope of the former 80’s icon post punk band Rough Trade, in Ottawa, 2013. I made the most money there thanks to Carole’s fans who bought a ton of CDS, including her guitarist. 🙂

Why is it hard to be a woman in rock?
I used to wonder why there were not so many women in rock bands. As a College Radio DJ at Concordia University in Montreal, QC where Jennifer Hollet (of the former Much Music Canada VJs and now politician) directed, I would seek out these women, even if I thought personally they were horrible. In the late 90’s, I no longer liked folk music and I wanted to hear more angst, being a Nirvana and Black Sabbath fan. However, after getting pregnant I understood: it’s hard to be a working woman in general. Music is no different.

Once you get over the issue of “being a woman” with men in bands, you then have to fight your own biology. As women, we often want to have children and a family and guess what? Unless you can afford to hire babysitters or you have family that can help take care of them, you really won’t be able to compete with others who don’t have children.

You can’t go to to networking events as a single mother it’s very hard to meet other musicians like you and consequently get gigs. This is why it was hard for me to get a lot of gigs but even if I was able to network, I would still need to find babysitters to perform. It’s very stressful and after about 10 years, I decided to semi-retire. I’ve produced a few songs recently but have given up performing for now. I’m older and more tired and will return– when I’m ready – write songs and perform again, or not. Being a mother sucked up more energy than I ever imagined.

You can make it as a single mother but you need more patience and endurance and I did not have that. It’s no surprise to me that as a single mother musician I was struggling in the music industry. I mean let’s face it, most single mothers do!

How you make money in the industry is mostly reliant on being able to tour. I bought an online book that explained in a very detailed way that you need to tour for a minimum of 2 full months of solid booked shows each night to be able to have a sustainable living, of maybe 30-50K a year. Thankfully since I continued school and made some savvy investments, I was able to survive on enough money to be able to do music. But making money, being a parent, as a musician is hard to do, not impossible, but only if you can tour. You could be lucky and make it big doing YouTube videos. That can happen. It’s just not the norm.

If you’re a woman and you want to have children – and you’re a musician – plan it out. Who is going to take care of your children when you need it? Who will babysit when you need to rehearse? I discovered that not only did I have to work full-time, be full-time Mom, but also I had to be full-time musician to make it work. Something had to give.

Rina R.
Musician (The Pink Pearl Dragon, ADHD the band, The Dramics),
Comedian,
Author of Unfemininism